THE STEPFATHER (2009)

* 1/2

PG-13, C-101m, USA

D: Nelson McCormick. Dylan Walsh, Sela Ward, David Badgley, Amber Heard.

Tagline: Daddy's home

I saw this remake of the much superior 1986 version under duress. My friend's cat had died the week before, so, in an effort to cheer her up, I let her choose the movie. Silly me. I knew it would be bad, but would it be boring or campy? Happily, it was the latter. It was mediocre and predictable and so by-the-numbers, but I was not bored, because mentally heckling the screen is fun. I actually learned a lot.

*SPOILER ALERT*

1. If you're a single mother shopping with your kids at the market, let your kids run wild. If your little squirt runs into a so charming-he's-dangerous man who is clearly Stepfather Material in the aisle, apologize and allow the guy to give fatherly advice to your son, like "Women rule the world." Don't think too hard about this -- any guy you just met who puts down his own gender is a keeper. Follow this with helping him find the peanut butter.

2. Be open and friendly. Let him know that you're a great cook. Let your desperation show, but be flirtatious at the same time. It doesn't hurt to look like Sela Ward. Give a little slack and then reel him in.

3. Do not investigate his past -- that is just rude. It's private! You should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking this. Just because you're letting this new man into your house with all your stuff and your loved ones doesn't mean you should get to know him. That's what married life is for. Even if your well-meaning friends and relatives caution you that you've only known him for six months, invite him to move in anyway. Tell them he's made your life worth living again.

4. If your new love physically disciplines one of your kids, sternly let him know that this is not acceptable. Then have the two of them apologize to each other so you can be a happy family again. Never mind that your child is being forced to live with a bully. He needs to learn to go along to get along. Remember, your kid shares some of the blame. If he hadn't misbehaved, his new stepfather wouldn't have had to get rough.

5. When your strapping 17-year-old son returns from military school, confide in your handsome fiancee that he used to hang out with a bad crowd and get into trouble. Give him ammunition so he can help get the lad on the right track. Also, give him a list of your child's greatest fears.

6. When you sneak into your prospective stepdad's room to search for incriminating evidence, make sure you and your pretty girlfriend do it right after swimming, without drying off first. If you leave wet footprints in the hallway, don't worry about it.

7. If you're watching America's Most Wanted and spot a picture of a man who bears a strong resemblance to the handsome, mysterious stranger across the street, be sure to tell everyone, especially his girlfriend.

8. If you're waiting in the hall and talking to your wife's fiancee, and he disappears around the corner -- keep talking. Just...talk! Tell this stranger that you've checked the yearbook and that you know he's not who he says he is. Tell him you plan to do a background check. Be sure you give all this away when you can't see him. Why, he could come out anywhere to...tell you he's glad that you have him on run! Just because you have an advantage doesn't mean you shouldn't be equals. Again, that would be rude.

9. Never talk to those you trust directly. Texting, emails, and leaving important messages with that good ol reliable stepfather you have suspicions about is good enough. He'll make sure they get those messages.

10. In a raging lightning storm, make plans to catch a plane. Before you leave the house, if you hear a strange noise outside, investigate alone. If you see a patio umbrella floating in the pool, make sure you use a pool-cleaning net with a metal handle and then lean over the edge to reach the umbrella. Most importantly, be safe. Concentrate on what you're doing. Ignore all distractions like that guy standing behind you...

11. To reduce the thrill factor, send your younger kids to sleep at a friend's house. Then they won't get in the way.

12. If a knife-wielding maniac chases you around the house, run up the stairs to the attic with rotting floorboards. This is smart for some reason. After, what's good enough for Ali Larter's nutty stalker temp in Obsessed is good enough for you.

Not only is this not a bad film, but it's an educational one. Just so any wanna-be "Stepfathers" can stay out of prison -- as well as out of the tabloids and any more "Stepfather" inspired movies, I will show you how avoid making these mistakes. I have no scruples helping out felons, so long as it means one less bad movie. I like my bad guys smart. And my heroes less conveniently dumb.


How to disappear from the world and start over as a fresh human being:

1. Look good for your new life. Shower well, shave the facial hair, and pop out those coloured lenses. Make sure to pop in a different colour. Sooner or later, it could get all "Minority Report" out there!

2. Never allow yourself to be photographed, especially for work or ID purposes.

3. Never leave a paper trail. Cash only.

4. If you want a brand new family, a good way to meet them is the Cute Meet. Head to the local supermarket. There will always be an lonely/attractive widow or divorcee trying to control her kids in the aisles. Make sure you step in just in time to catch one of the little buggers before he knocks something over. It will score you points with Mommy.

5. It's also adorable to say, "I'm new in town and haven't learned where to find things in this store. Um... where's the peanut butter?" We gals just love projects like a guy who doesn't know how to take care of himself, especially if he looks like Dylan Walsh.

6. Be helpful. Offer 'fatherly' advice to the kid and reluctantly admit to the mother that you lost your wife and daughter in a car accident. It's much more socially acceptable than admitting that you left your family in prone, bloodied positions in the living room on Christmas morning. If the truth is ugly, tell a pretty lie.

7. Wait about six months, then move in. Attractive widows and divorcees with kids tend to live in the suburbs, complete with a swimming pool. Try to be a father figure to the little boy or else mop the floor with him.

8. Make sure you let it slip that you used to be competitive swimming, just like the oldest son in the family. Do this even if you two never do any swimming in a confrontation-to-the-death scene -- a movie called "The Stepfather" (2009) has a confrontation-to-the-death scene in the attic, not the swimming pool.

9. However, do not try to bond with the oldest son by giving him his own locker in your 'hideaway' from the family. He will eventually wonder what's in the other lockers, not to mention the padlocked freezer.

10. Keep track of your lies. If you refer to your dead little girl as "Little Michelle was everything to me," don't follow up a moment later in the same conversation with a comment about how much "little Lisa" meant to you.

11. After you kill someone, impersonate them on their cellphone to text-message their loved ones. Use it inside the house and keep that volume loud enough to hear in the next room.

12. Delete your internet history so people won't find americasmostwanted.com in the browser.

13. If the whole family is left defenseless and unconscious, don't finish them off. Let them wake up in a hospital on the way to a full recovery. Never ever see them again. Just start a new family that you can threaten to kill and just let live. Remember, you're a lame killer stepfather. And when you see this family, smile chillingly for the camera -- like Damien.

14. If you are serious about creating the perfect family, only to be so disappointed that you kill them in white-hot rage, then you should watch The Stepfather (2009) a million times until you've learned your lesson. If that doesn't work, then see the original 1986 version with Terry O'Quinn. If anything, you'll give your brain a much-needed cleansing.